Women can do anything. As long as we’re pretty. Not too pretty, but pretty enough. Because too pretty is threatening. I didn’t make the rules and neither did you. We just live them.

I consider myself an expert on beauty because I am facially disfigured. A childhood dog attack left me scarred and lopsided. And we can only understand the true power of something if we first experience its opposite. For example, what do we know of health if we’ve never been sick? What do we know of connection if we’ve never been lonely? Empathy isn’t taught, it’s lived. And I know the power of beauty because I’ve lived at the periphery of its force.

Beauty isn’t an achievement or contribution. It fades under seasons of stress, sickness, and age. It’s a slippery alter at best and destructive at worst. It sends our children—especially our daughters—into the jaws of bullying, eating disorders, addiction, and suicide. And yet, we never talk about it. We let it rule us and we tell ourselves we can be anything, as long as we’re pretty. We judge the clothes, hair, body, and faces of other women. Sometimes our comments are cruel and sometimes they’re kind, but either way, we’re constantly talking about how women look. And in doing so, we reduce and minimize ourselves and other women into a prison that holds us all back from living our truest gifts.

The best leaders see the world not as it is, but how it could be. And if the world today is fixated on linking the value of a woman to her physical appearance, here are a few small ways to recreate the narrative:

Spend time with people who value and compliment you in areas outside of your appearance. 

The list can include old friends, animals, or children. We trust the opinions of children and dogs because they naturally connect to good energy. Find others who connect to your heart, and align your conversations around ideas and dreams instead of gossip related to the physical appearance of others.

Reduce social media use. 

Avoid viewing AI-generated images or images centered on the appearance of a celebrity. Viewing such pictures can cultivate feelings of low self-worth and judgment toward others. Avoid reading all negative comments, especially those directed at the appearance of other women. Reading negative comments normalizes the content and increases its space and power. Instead use social media as a tool to compliment, uplift, and celebrate others.

Spend time in nature. 

Witnessing the imperfect beauty of nature centers our minds on a truer experience—we are all imperfect, every creature, every tree. And yet, we all add value. Spending time alone in nature is the fastest way to discover your own truth and to explore how you wish to live outside of the world’s standards.

Examine your desire for exercise. 

Does it center on weight loss? If it does, consider spending a few days a week in gratitude for the body you have now and all it can do.

Seek activities that give your life meaning outside of anything related to your physical appearance.

(Activities outside of such things as clothes shopping, getting your nails done, exercising to lose weight.) Perhaps you’ve always wanted to play a musical instrument, write, or draw. Give yourself time to explore passions that have nothing to do with external appearance.

Ask yourself what bothers you most about the physical appearance of others. 

What disgusts you? Explore the source of your own visceral feelings. Gut reactions often stem from your own childhood expectations or criticisms. What triggers you is often the source of your own hurt. Go to that source and heal yourself.

True beauty comes from the love we give and receive. The rest is hardly worth our time. But until the world changes, the most revolutionary thing we can do is to love ourselves and our daughters through the confines of physical appearance and into our greatest gifts. Into a world we could fundamentally and forever change if we pushed back on pretty.

MELISSA WILEY is deputy town administrator of Erie, Colorado, USA.