November 2004 · Volume 86 · Number 10 

Checklist: Becoming a Coach In Everyday Life: 10 Ways You Can Become More Valuable To Everyone You Encounter
"Be the change" you want to see occur in the world around you. We can't make other people be more considerate, helpful, honest, and so on, but if everyone were to work on him- or herself and develop these attributes, our world would be a better place: 
1. Don't be judgmental. Look for and recognize the good in yourself and in others. We are all capable of so-called good and bad behaviors, and we all have our good and "off" days. We are all unique, and it is wonderful that we are different and not all the same in our appearances, our thoughts, our opinions, and our likes and dislikes. Being different is not threatening, it is not bad, it is just different. Embrace the differences, and be happy for the variety.
Likewise, when considering another person in daily life, forget the concepts of right and wrong. People are not simply good or bad or right or wrong; they just are. If you were in their shoes, perhaps you would act differently, perhaps not. Being judgmental wastes time and cuts you off from opportunities and meaningful relationships because you are not perfect either, and your judgment might be worse than the person's you are judging! 
2. Respect people. Don't make the mistake of thinking your rights are the only ones that count. Don't ignore the other person's rights. Our fundamental right is to be respected. Being wealthy does not make a person more deserving of respect, and neither does a high-flying career with a fancy title. Respect is not about material issues or where one sits on the social ladder. Respect is acknowledging another human being's dignity and treating them how you wish to be treated yourself. We all came onto this earth equal, and we're all checking out as equals.
What happens in between is just a series of different life experiences. The poor man who lives in a slum, who cares for strangers, volunteers assistance without expecting anything in return, and lives a clean, honest life is more deserving of respect than a wealthy businessman who dresses in fine clothes, lives in a huge mansion, and treats everyone like pond amoeba, cheats on his wife, swindles his shareholders, and has forgotten how to tell the truth. 
3. Be a good listener. How often do you really listen to other people? How often do you plan what you are going to say next while they are talking, or allow your mind to drift off onto something else instead of concentrating on their every word? It takes practice to be a good listener, but in being one, you are showing respect and putting yourself in a position to better comprehend the real message being given to you. You avoid misunderstandings and missed instructions. Furthermore, the other person will appreciate your attention and return the courtesy.
4. Be interested, not interesting. This goes hand in hand with being a good listener. People love to talk about themselves and will delight in the opportunity to do so, so ensure that you ask questions and take an interest in what they are telling you. Don't worry that they'll hog the limelight. You can have your turn during the conversation.
Have you ever met someone who only talks about themselves? Count the number of times you use "I" in your conversations. Judging, arguing points, interrupting the conversation, and using "I" a lot are sure signs you need to review your communication skills.
5. Respond from your heart. We tend to respond to others using our head, not our heart. We formulate stories about us, we defend our ego, or we judge other people or what they have said. If we respond from our heart, we can answer with understanding and a sense of connection. Find something good to say about people and to people. Build people up; don't knock them down. Go with your gut instincts.
6. Be truthful. There is a good reason for the saying "Honesty is the best policy." Nothing good ever comes from lies, and there is a difference between being diplomatic and telling an outright lie. Nobody trusts a liar. If you've made a mistake, well, welcome to the human race! You don't have to lie to cover it up.
You don't have to tell your truth brutally. There are gentle and tactful ways of delivering truths, and you should think carefully before you speak. But don't try to be deceitful because deceit has a habit of coming back to haunt you, and in these situations, you are worse off than if you had just come clean in the first place, as uncomfortable as that might have seemed at the time.
7. Be helpful. When you need a helping hand, don't you just love the person who comes up and offers it to you? Wouldn't you love the opportunity to repay them? You can be that person to whom others look respectfully, with gratitude in their hearts, and to whom one day they will repay the gesture. What comes around, goes around.
If you want people to be helpful to you, you must be helpful to others. It doesn't matter whether this means assisting your supervisor with a special project you can see that he or she needs help with, or aiding a coworker who is struggling with a large workload, or helping an elderly neighbor toiling up the stairs with her arms full. People do remember kindnesses.
8. Maintain your integrity and your dignity. People with their integrity intact are easier to deal with in work or personal situations. They know where they stand, and you know where you stand with them. You will feel better about yourself when you set your standards and stand by them, and you will attract those who respect your standards and who have some of their own.
Being a doormat is disrespectful to yourself and to the person who is walking all over you. It does not allow them to grow and learn to do something for themselves. Learn to say no gracefully. You have as much right as everyone else on the planet to have your own opinion and your own way of doing things, and (reminding you of point 1 above) nobody has the right to make you feel bad if you think, feel, or dress differently. Remember, "To thine own self be true."
9. Go the extra mile. I mean this in a couple of ways. First, whether you are asked to do something or are offering to do something, remember that if a thing is worth doing in the first place, then it is worth doing well. And while you are at it, what little touches can you offer to improve it?
For example, whom would you rather go to for your shoeshine? Mr. A does a wonderful buff and polish and is timely and not too expensive. Mr. B also does a wonderful buff and polish and is quick and inexpensive, but he is also cheerful and interested in you and whistles while he works. So after your polish, you go on your way feeling on top of the world!
Mr. B just went the extra mile for you. He didn't just polish your shoes; he lifted your spirits and made you feel good. If you are offering a coworker assistance with copying some documents, go the extra mile, and ask if she needs a hand in stapling them or collating them. Going the extra mile need not involve a large expense of time, energy, or money, but its value to the recipient is often priceless and one day will be reciprocated.
10. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Neither beat about the bush evasively, nor make promises you can't keep. On the other hand, if you say you are going to do something, do it. Be known as a reliable person. Honor your promises and agreements wherever possible.
This harks back to integrity. Prepare to be flexible, if need be, but know that you don't have to bend over so far backwards that your back snaps. If you are wishy-washy and allow people to be unconcerned for your position, you will develop this reputation and will find that more and more people are willing to walk all over you. Being like this does not prove that you are valuable to anybody. It just means you are a pushover.
—Terri Levine is chief executive officer of Coaching Instruction, North Wales, Pennsylvania (215/699-4949; Web site, http://www.terrilevine.com), and a master certified coach, public speaker, and the author of Stop Managing, Start Coaching; Work Yourself Happy; Coaching for an Extraordinary Life; and Create Your Ideal Body. 
 
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