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November 2009 : Volume 91 : Number 10
Balancing ActIs your family meeting your needs?My family always turns to me to handle things. When Dad had to go into the nursing home, it was like everyone knew what to do, but no one knew how. I just ended up managing it all. This statement summarizes a common problem shared in monthly groups held to support public managers. It is not an actual quote but a paraphrase. Previously we defi ned family by the relationships and not by the task. The American Heritage Dictionary defines family as "a fundamental social group in society typically consisting of parents and their offspring." What does family mean to you as a manager? Over the years my team has been asked these questions about family:
All of these deeply personal questions impact balance. To keep a sense of balance, the relationship with the family must be understood. If any of these examples were a question you had, my team and I would first define what is best for your mental health.This is fairly easy. We would then discuss the hard part—what can be done for the family. Why is this hard? Despite your power at work, families don’t have to do what you say. Despite your strongest desires, you can’t fire family members. Advising on what can be done to help managers navigate family needs often boils down to one issue: listening. Listening is generally poor in the workplace. E-mail, phone calls, instant messaging, and scheduled meetings all carve up listening. In fact, one psychiatrist argues that many of us are developing a condition he calls pseudo-attention deficit disorder.1 I agree with him. Away from work, it is possible to find people who really listen to you. It is likely they are family. If they are not family as defined by the dictionary, they are family defined by your psychological needs. In studies of healthy families,2 there are patterns of listening that support both physical and mental health. Problem solving also is significantly better and conflict does not become chronic. How does a person listen well? Dr. Lewis’s team did the work on family, describing what family members do when they listen well. Here is what they do when sharing an emotionally charged experience:
I have taught this technique to managers, and the impact is profound. When they try to do this in their families, they describe warm conversations at a deeper level than ever before. Here are how some conversations got started:
But such conversations don’t always come naturally. They require practice. And when I watch managers practice, they make several mistakes. A common mistake is to quit when given one-word answers. When they get past that, they switch to interrogating. The hardest correction to make is tolerating the emotions. When family members feel angry, frightened, or sad, those feelings don’t fit what the manager thinks they should feel, and the listening stops.
This is the most dangerous step in losing balance. The emotions that are dismissed as irrelevant at work are the tipping points for relationships. When emotions in the conversation are not managed, the relationship pushes apart and the tractor beam of the workplace pulls stronger. Thus, we do more work and tasks get done; but within the family, relationships become cool, then cold, and then, gone. The reasons that managers misread emotions are complex. How emotions interfere with support in the family will be reviewed next month. Until then, turn off the television and practice listening at the Thanksgiving dinner. Endnotes
1
Matt Richtel, "The Lure of Data: Is It Addictive?" New York Times, July 6, 2003, www.nytimes.com/2003/07/06/business/the-lure-of-data-is-itaddictive.html?pagewanted=print.
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